Wednesday, March 14, 2012

Other things

Sorry for being so MIA lately.  You know, there was a time when I stressed a lot about this blog - what to post, comparing my posts to others', wondering where (if anywhere) this blog might lead.  Since we lost our baby, so much of that perspective has changed.  The fact that I no longer freak out if I'm not getting X number of posts out per week is a good thing, but the down side is I leave you all in the lurch, and that makes me kinda sad.

I guess while I'm talking about it, well, I'll just talk about it.  The loss of our baby girl, Lauren.  We're doing OK.  As good as can be expected, I guess.  Grief is a journey, and we're certainly still on it, but life also keeps moving.  Especially when you have another almost 5 and almost 2 year-old buzzing around.

I've been busying myself with our upcoming move to Rio - planning designs for as-yet unknown living quarters.
I've also been trying to lose the last five pounds of pregnancy weight.  They say the last five are always the toughest.  I can't even shed ONE much less FIVE.  This stuff is holding on for dear life.  I imagine if I had been able to breast feed, the baby weight would have come off like it did with my other children.  And, it's not like you can read up on "What to Expect after Stillbirth."  Stillbirth occurs in one in less than two hundred pregnancies, but no one talks about it.  No one really researches it.  Those of us who have experienced it are left to figure it out on our own.  Instead of cuddling a newborn, we ride on the roller coaster of grief, hormones, and in my case, stringent expectations on my body to be "normal."
I saw a quote shortly after we lost Lauren that said in terms of grief - It doesn't get better, it just gets different. It's true. You don't really "get better" or "get over" losing a child, but you are certainly not the same.  I'm just hoping that my different is somehow...better.
Painting by Jenny of MFAMB - See her for all your abstract art desires!

15 comments:

Angela Lee said...

I read blogs intermittenly and I am so very sorry to hear about your loss. Time heals but of course you never forget. You sound well....considering but nonetheless grieving. I think to know that others are thinking of you eventhough we don't know you personally is hopefully some comfort. Take care of yourself, thinking of you and your family.

Much to My Delight said...

Thank you for this post; it must have been incredibly difficult to write. I hope it continues to get easier for you. Never worry about leaving us in the lurch. The only obligation you have to anyone is your family:)

Diane Streicher @ Diane Again said...

I'm so sorry for your loss. No two situations are ever the same, and sometimes comparisons feel hurtful, so I apologize in advance if my words come off the wrong way. But I want to tell you that almost 19 years ago, I lost my son to a second trimester miscarriage. Unlike 'normal' first trimester miscarriages, we were able to see our son, to name him, and to grieve him in ways that help me relate to what you must be going through with a full-term loss. The emptiness must be overwhelming. I'm glad for your two older children, who must be helping to fill your moments and help you move on with the business of living. That matters a lot. And I want to affirm what you said...if you are like me, the pain you feel not go away altogether but it will change, especially if you are blessed with another child in the future. But Lauren will always be your daughter and she will always be a member of your family. Someday, that may bring you peace. In the meantime, I'll pray for you and yours.

Meg said...

Hey Alison, my heart goes out to you and your family when I read this post, the same way it did when I first read about what happened to Lauren. I think that with loss, you just learn to manage those feelings in time. Try not to put too much pressure on yourself right now and just take time to grieve. Even though I don't really know you, and you live so very far away from me, you are in my thoughts. xo

christine {bijouandboheme} said...

Just want you to know that I am thinking of you...I can't seem to come up with words that seem adequate or able to comfort the incredible sadness you must be dealing with- just know there are so many people sending thoughts and warm hugs your way. xoxo

helen tilston said...

Hello Alison

I am so sorry for your great loss of the baby.

I fully understand your being unable to blog and will look forward to reading y our posts whenever you decide to write

I shall keep you in my prayers

Helenxx

Linda@ Lime in the Coconut said...

I am a true believer of tincture of time. May you heal, and feel whole...in time.

Also happen to be a huge believer in the quote: Saltwater cures everything: Tears, sweat and the sea.

My best to you and your beautiful family!

Angela said...

I'm glad you gave us an update. I've checked back frequently to make sure there was no new post that my google reader somehow didn't catch. Just wanted to let you know that there is at least one person in Michigan who is sending positive thoughts to you and your family.

Katie said...

I wish I could send a private email, but here goes. It's hard to go through something so painful, it's like the grief reaches the depths of your soul and make your heart actually hurt. I think it is harder because there is so much pressure to live a "happy life," or at least the appearance of one, that these normal feelings aren't readily understood as normal and lasting. It took me at least a year to not cry over my experience of having cancer while pregnant with my second child. Thank God, we are both still here! God only knows why this happened and one day we will see with clarity all of the events of our lives. Hang in there. Prayers. Katie

My Interior Life said...

You're right - no one talks about stillbirth, but I'm glad you're sharing your feelings. I actually know a few women who've been through what you have and talking about it helps them heal a bit. You're in my thoughts and prayers. And you blog whenever you feel like it - don't worry about us.

Andrew and Marie Benson said...

I stumbled across your blog a while ago and wanted to send you an email because one of your posts sounded like something I could have written. I, too, am an expat raising my family in a foreign country who is trying to figure out a way to get into Interior Design professionally . At the time I was pregnant with my third boy and I read about your pregnancy. And then I read about your loss and my heart broke for a stranger who I felt like could be a great friend. I am so so sorry for your loss. Very shortly after the birth of my first child, my sister-in-law lost her baby girl in childbirth. The emotions of having my first child were so fresh in my mind that I felt like her loss was unfathomable. A few months later two more friends lost each of their two month old babies and again I felt those losses acutely. One thing our doula said to me, however, kept ringing through my head and gave me immense comfort-- When you give life, you also give death. You just never expect them to be so close to each other. It reminded me of the beauty and balance of life. Don't stress posts. I've enjoyed reading back through your older posts-- you're so full of talent and have such a taste for beauty. Thank you for sharing with all of us strangers.

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LindsB said...

I've been thinking about you so much since you posted about Lauren. Grief really is a journey and no one can tell you how you should feel or what stage to be in. But, I hope that your different continues to get better each day :) xoxox

Carissa @ the Fabulous Design File said...

I've been thinking of you so much and wondering how you are doing. I admire the way that you write so honestly about such a difficult experience. Sending positive thoughts and hugs your way.

mrs. V said...

Thanks for sharing. It takes courage enough to put your voice into the world let alone something so personal and difficult. I am just as moved by this post as the first time you shared your loss. I don't know you personally but I feel like you're one of my peeps after reading for so long. So, like I would do for one of my peeps, on a tough day I would show up with food, give you a giant embrace, and just sit with you. And maybe bring along a ton of magazines. Anything really to ease your pain. Just know that you are in my prayers and I am sending love your way chica.